Regular readers know I spend entirely too much time watching television and that I have a particular fondness for trashy reality shows. It’s true. Jerry Springer, Real Housewives (especially Atlanta and New Jersey), Toddlers and Tiaras and other, equally offensive shows are regular fare. I can’t help myself.

The new television season kicks off next week. Having tired of summer repeats, In search of something new to watch, I’ve been pouring through the blue channel–you know, the one that shows the full schedule of every channel. Here’s a list of shows that caught my eye, only to disappoint.

Dance Moms. I envisioned a show similar to So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars featuring a group of mothers. Nope. It’s in the same genre as Toddlers and Tiaras, only far less engaging.

American Pickers. Having grown up in Kentucky, every now and then I like to listen to some good banjo music. Imagine my surprise to discover this show is about a couple of dudes who drive around looking for good buys on old junk.

Take It Off! You caught me. I thought this was a reality show about strippers, not a weight loss program. Ewwww.

Bubble Guppies. As a tropical fish enthusiast, I’ve always had a fondness for guppies. I don’t know what this show is about, but it’s not colorful little aquarium fish. Bummer.

Untamed & Uncut. Busted again. I was sure this show was about a bunch of uncircumcised wild boys. Not.

Naked Science. I thought maybe this was a show about the science of stripping. Nobody on this show is naked…ever. Yawn.

Drag Races. Excuse me for thinking this was a rip-off of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Not one of the guys wore wigs, make-up, or high heel shoes.

Cougar Insider. Being of a certain age with a much younger partner, I tuned into this show for some lifestyle tips from other cougars. I wonder if the University of Houston mascot is a hot older woman?

The new season can’t get here soon enough. Maybe then I’ll find some good shows to watch on the television here in…

My Glass House