If I Ruled the World…

on Mar 19, 2012 by Michael Rupured

Do you ever have one of those days where everything people do pisses you off? Surely I’m not the only person who has that kind of day. Maybe it’s the early heat. Or maybe it’s that so many people are total f’ing idiots. I’ll let you decide. While you’re thinking about it, here are some of the changes I’d make if I ruled the world.

Driver’s license tests would be a LOT harder. Applicants would have to pass a rigorous driving test. The written test would take a couple of hours and include questions about texting while driving, procedures to follow when encountering pedestrians or bike riders, and why one shouldn’t just stop in the middle of the highway for no apparent reason without using some kind of signal.

People would have to pass a test before they could vote in national elections. The test would change for each election and include basic questions about the candidates. For example, anyone who believes President Obama is Muslim or wasn’t born in this country wouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Having children would require a permit, which of course, would mean passing another test. Families would only be allowed to have four children. I’m being generous here–two is plenty, but because I’m such a nice guy, I’m willing to double what I see as a normal limit. We certainly don’t need people to have eight kids at a time or nineteen kids in as many years. Seriously.

Everyone would have to have health insurance. I’m tired of paying for the medical care of people who think they don’t need it. You should be, too. As for those who truly can’t afford it, a subsidy would be cheaper than paying to treat diseases that could have been prevented with routine check-ups.

People who didn’t do their jobs would get fired. There are plenty of unemployed people who’d be only too happy to actually do the work. Zero-tolerance for a poor work ethic would eliminate the need to teach soft skills–things like showing up on time, doing what you’re told to do, and getting along with coworkers.

Elected officials would not be in charge of setting the rules they have to follow. The current system is about as effective as  a fox guarding the hen house. They wouldn’t be responsible for determining how much they get paid, either.  Frankly, I’m not sure the current bunch in Washington should be in charge of anything.

Truth in Advertising laws would also apply to political campaigns. Newt can promise to lower gas prices to $2.50 a gallon–anyone who believes he could actually do it wouldn’t be able to pass the voter test. But telling out and out lies about opponents and historical events would be illegal and subject to castration. You gotta hit these guys where it hurts.

Men would have absolutely no say about women’s reproductive rights. Obviously, they just don’t get it. That includes church officials, politicians, and physicians. I know enough to know that until men have periods and experience childbirth, they have no say in such matters.

College coaches would not be able to get paid more than twice the average salary of teaching faculty at the same institution–including external pay for car ads, athletic gear, etc. Earnings above the threshold would be taxed at 95%. Athletes would have to meet the same admission requirements as any other students with no exceptions.

Corporate executives couldn’t get paid more than ten times the salary of their lowest-paid employee. As with college coaches, earnings above that threshold would be taxed at 95%. Watch how fast the salaries of those lowest paid workers go up.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head. I’ve got a million more suggestions to make the world a better place. One day I’ll share them in another post, right here on…

My Glass House

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