Sometimes I’m a little slow. It’s more a matter of application than intelligence. Drawing me a picture helps…usually, but it can take a while. I still remember the day in high school health class when I suddenly got every dirty joke I’d ever heard. I laughed until my cheeks ached.

I blame my sun sign–Pisces. The symbol is two fish chasing each others tails. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for our ability to see both sides of an issue to the point of indecision. We Pisces are also prone to dreaminess and have a tendency to live in our own world. Frankly, I’d stay there if the demands of the real world didn’t get in the way. It’s a lovely place and I look absolutely amazing.

Genetics contributes to my slowness. I get my abhorrence for instruction manuals from my father, which works out okay because I inherited a gift for knowing everything there is to know from my mother. It’s hard to be curious when you have all the answers. You’d be amazed at the things I don’t even notice.

Throw in my devilish good looks and you’re bound to be wondering why I’m not as big as Donald Trump or maybe even that goddess of reality television, Kim Kardashian. I hear she had Bruce Jenner’s balls implanted in her ass. It must be true because it explains so much.

Alas, slowness is the tragic flaw that prevents me from ruling the world. By the time I figure stuff out, it’s too late. Somebody beats me to the punch or the point is moot. Being slow has cost me a fortune, too. I almost had the idea for ninety percent of the As Seen on TV products and have come up with half a dozen winning lottery numbers the day after the drawing. Honest. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

We’re going to switch gears here. Hang in there because it’s all going to come together. I promise, and you know I’d never lie to you.

From that very first post on The Crotchety Old Man, I have been a spontaneous blogger.  Most of the time I have an idea, and the next time I have a chance, I’ll write it up and post it. There have been a few exceptions–posts I worked on for several days because I kept running out of time. Otherwise, I write it, proof it, tag it, and post it here, on Facebook and on Twitter all within about an hour.

Sometimes I make myself sit down and come up with something for the blog. I hate to go more than three or four days without a new post. Don’t want y’all to think something has happened to me. I’m nice like that. Pulling something to write about out of my ass sometimes results in a post that isn’t the quality I try to deliver. You know what they say. Shit happens.

Some of my most brilliant posts have been read by only a few people. Why? Because I post them at some bizarre time, the second I finish writing them, when people are highly unlikely to be browsing blogs.

Amy, my wise and wonderful mentor and your hostess over at Fix It or Deal, recently informed me that it’s possible to write something and have it post automatically days or weeks later. I can specify the hour and day the post will appear on the internet! Isn’t that amazing?!?!?

This new knowledge has changed my life. Well, it hasn’t yet, but it’s going to, I just know it. No more 9:30 Saturday night posts. I’ll schedule that sucker for release about nine o’clock Tuesday morning, after everyone has done their work for the week and is looking for something to keep them busy. Something like…

My Glass House