The Way We Were

on Jan 22, 2013 by Michael Rupured

Some of you probably remember the way things were before the Internet made anyone with a Smartphone or a computer a know-it-all. Okay, who am I kidding? Nobody much under forty reads my blog. As memory loss is far more likely to be an issue, let me remind you.

When a question came up, we would often spend hours arguing about the answer. One camp would swear on everything sacred that Movie A had been made before Movie B, and that so-and-so was in both films but Kevin Bacon was not.  Everyone staked out varying and usually conflicting opinions on the subject. If it went that far, somebody called Aunt Gertrude because she adores Kevin Bacon and was old enough to remember which movie came out first. And get this–sometimes, the conflict never got resolved.

No matter where we were or who we were with, pretty much all we ever did was sit around and disagree about things. Remember? It’s true. All we did was argue, never knowing who was right or wrong. And it didn’t even matter. The fun was in the discussion.

Fast forward to today. Someone whips out a device and starts tapping on it. Within about 0.17 seconds, they have an indisputable answer. End of discussion. No wonder everyone just sits around staring at their Smartphone.

Beyond a doubt, the ability to find answers in a minute or two is wonderful. No matter how obscure the question, just type in a few words for the answer. I don’t know about you, but it blows me away when Google guesses what I’m typing after just a few letters. I can’t decide if it’s the technology that amazes me or that so many people have  apparently searched for the exact same thing. I’d give an example if I could think of one that wasn’t too embarrassing to share.

WordPress tracks search terms that bring people to my blog. I rarely look at them, but because I needed something to keep this post from ending after the fifth paragraph, I took a peak. As luck would have it, I found plenty to go along with the theme of crazy shit people search for on the Internet.

The majority of search terms that brought people to my blog mention William Levy, along with a few for a Levy Williams, who I’m pretty sure looks nothing like his reverse namesake. Sexy William still doesn’t know he’s destined to be my next husband, but I’m patient. Shoot for the stars, right?

The next largest group are phrases from people who are stalking me. Don’t get me wrong, as an aspiring novelist, this is a good thing–the more the merrier. Until people start showing up at my house or office, it’s cool. There are also quite a few search terms related to chihuahuas, retina problems, and diet and exercise. The usual suspects.

Then there are the oddballs. Some made me laugh. A few gave me pause. I figured they’re worth sharing. Here are some of my favorites that led people to my blog.

toe bondage. Is this a real thing? I’d Google it myself if I wasn’t afraid of the ads that might show up on my computer. Now folks who are into it will find it here on my blog.

Elise Wims is the biggest bitch. Judging from searches, this is an indisputable fact. Her name shows up a lot on my list of search terms, almost always with bitch.

forced semen draining. I have no idea what this is and am hoping with all my heart that it’s something for couples who have trouble conceiving. Please, if I’m wrong–don’t tell me.

daddys in my room again. I hope this child found the help they need, or perhaps a web site showing them ways to castrate the creep or how to shock him in the privates with a modified extension cord.

is they going to be any more books written on fifty shades. This says so much about how that P.O.S. became a bestseller. No, I’m not bitter. Much.

foto beby porno teens. I have no idea what this is, or how it got somebody to my blog. I’m afraid to look.

mario lopez hot. Ya think? If he just wasn’t so short…

are justin ropers fratty. No. They’re gay–especially in colors other than black or brown.

pictures of morbidly obese people riding carts at stores. Fetish? There’s an app for that, I’m pretty sure.

Zumba song where glass breaks and dog barking. Do you live in a noisy place or is that a Haiku?

seedy strip club. Okay, I’ll bite. Is seedy desirable?

hot man butt (and hot bubble butt men). Nope. Not me. I have my assets, but my…er…ass is not among them.

porn star dancing. Okay, who shared my secret Indian name?

pure d control. Lucky for me, the only d I ever see is mixed and well-behaved. Or something.

what is pervasive ignorance. Um. If you have to ask…

gay men have no right to grope people. You are absolutely correct. That right is reserved for dirty old men, politicians, and men of the cloth.

lexington ky gay hustler hangouts. There’s definitely an app for that.

boundaries between baby mama. I think they’re called restraining orders.

what is an acceptable number of  baby mamas. Cheaper by the dozen? Don’t ask me. I don’t know the first thing about no baby mamas.

i’m so damn complicated that it scares me. Me too. Unless maybe you’re just stupid.

eden winters naked. I include this one just because I think she’d want to know she has a secret admirer.

huge dog knocking up my chihuahua. Such a way with words, leaving me with the image of Toodles under a Saint Bernard…

All right folks. That’s all I got. Thanks to Amy Severson for the idea, and of course, to all the folks whose searches led them here. What’s your favorite? Leave a comment here or on Facebook, and thanks for stopping in.

2 Comments

  1. Amy says:

    Those search terms are always a goldmine for funny blog posts. I was cracking up at all of them but “lexington ky gay hustler hangouts. There’s definitely an app for that” really made me laugh. You have that app for Athens, don’t you? 🙂

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