My Picks for the Cast of DWTS

on Mar 01, 2013 by Michael Rupured

The cast for the new season of Dancing with the Stars has been announced. Yawn. I’d just as soon watch Bruno Toniolo in a Speedo. Oh wait…that was several seasons ago. Even so, watching that old footage again would be more interesting than watching the tired cast they’ve trotted out for season number sixteen.

I think the show is in trouble this season. Except for Wynona and Andy Dick, who cares? The audience needs to know the celebrities well enough that we watch because either we love that celebrity and want to see him or her in skimpy dance attire or we hate them and want to watch them fail wearing a ridiculous costume and a spray tan on national television.

Admit it. Nobody tunes in to watch the talent. What everybody really wants to see is a train wreck. Picking sure-to-fail contestants is a win-win proposition. Being terrible is good television. Someone everyone expects to fail doing well keeps viewers coming back for more.

Changing the current cast ain’t going to happen. That ship has sailed. So here are my suggestions for the seventeenth season.

Benedict, Pope Emeritus. What else does he have to do? Whisking him off to Hollywood would keep him out of the hair of the new pope, assuming he’s young enough to have hair. Wardrobe would just have to avoid putting him in red shoes.

Mama June Shannon. Move over Honey Boo Boo, it’s yo mama’s time to shine. And I want Max to be her partner. Farting during lifts would bring in a whole new demographic.

Jesse Heiman. I know, who the hell is Jesse Heiman? He’s the nerd who made out with supermodel Bar Refaeli in the most disgusting Super Bowl commercial ever aired.

Jillian Michaels. You know–the crusty drill sergeant from the Biggest Loser with a heart of gold buried deep down inside a chest that doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it. I want to see her practice holding her frame until she vomits.

Rush Limbaugh. If he’s really an entertainer, let’s make his fat ass dance. Give him a reason to take all those pain pills. If he’s not able, I’d accept Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, or even Newt Gingrich as alternates.

Michelle Obama. The more I see of this classy lady, the more I like her. No matter the setting, she comes across as authentic with a natural ease and grace that’s hard not to like. I bet she’d be a contender.

Michael C. Hall. Yeah…Dexter. After receiving very low ratings, he investigates the judges and finds out one of them got by with murder. A ratings bonanza.

Nee Nee Leaks. I don’t know, she’s probably too big a star now to stoop for a B-list show like Dancing With the Stars. But if Michelle signed on, I’m sure Nee Nee would go along. If not, I’d settle for her former gal pal Kim Zolniak.

William Levy. Yeah, I know he’s already been a cast member. How do you think I found out about him? He should have his own show–just standing in one of those 360 cameras in various outfits. Or out of them. I’d watch it…on PPV.

Nicki Minaj. Because she’s everywhere. Yeah, I get that she’s annoying. But I also believe the woman is very talented, and that music was just a stepping stone for a much bigger career. She’s like a contemporary version of Cher.

Tenzin Gyatso. If the Dalai Lama can become one with his partner, he could take home the disco ball.

Admit it. With my cast, you’d watch. The ratings would go through the roof.