Trumping the Presidency

on Aug 19, 2015 by Michael Rupured

If you’re breathing and have seen or heard even a few minutes of national news, you know Donald Trump is running for President of the United States. Again. This time is different. He’s actually leading in the polls.

Granted, the election is still more than a year away. A lot can happen between now and November 2016. Pundits say the odds of Trump becoming the GOP nominee are slim to none. Perhaps, but he’s maintained his lead for much longer than anyone (save the Don himself) would have predicted before the big debate.

Donald Trump is, first and foremost, a media figure. Yes, he’s also a successful businessman, but reality television made him the household name he is today. Consequently, I have to wonder if the Trump we see is real or a character manufactured to attract public attention.

Whether you love or hate the man, you’ve got to give him credit. Amassing a multi-billion dollar fortune takes some doing — even with the head start provided by wealthy and privileged parents. His obsession with a personal brand he values at about six billion dollars (not including the two to four billion dollars in assets held by the brand) leads me to believe most of what we know about him has been produced for media consumption.

To tell you the truth, his presence in the campaign is more than a little refreshing. We’re used to politicians who talk for hours and hours without ever saying anything. Trump tells us what he really thinks, with no regard for who he might offend. The absence of political correctness appeals to like-minded voters.

That same group of voters love his simple, no-brainer solutions to big problems. Build a wall. Deport illegal aliens. Make America great again. Easy peasy.

Trump has the GOP leadership and FOX News by the balls, and is tightening rather than loosening his grip. He sets the agenda. Running as an independent would castrate the party and their news outlet. Talk about a win-win.

Given Trump’s outsider status, his cabinet selections should be interesting. I’m thinking he’ll go with former contestants on his reality show. Here are my predictions with my guesses for Trump’s rationale:

Secretary of State: The obvious choice is Dennis Rodman. He’s worked wonders with North Korea. The man is amazing.

Secretary of the Treasury: Donald Trump, Junior, because who else could he trust?

Secretary of Defense: This one’s easy too. Gary Busey, because who’d f*ck with us with him in charge?

Attorney General: Star Jones because she’s an attorney and did well on the show.

Secretary of the Interior: Country singer John Rich, winner of season 11, because country music is really about the environment and stuff.

Secretary of Agriculture: Martha Stewart. She wasn’t a contestant on his show, but got her own short-lived spin-off that didn’t survive because she’s just not as amazing as Donald Trump. The little lady does, however, knows how to grow stuff.

Secretary of Commerce. Sharon Osbourne. Nobody has ridden the coattails of a drug-adled rock star as well as Sharon. She’s parlayed his fame into careers for everyone in the family.

Secretary of Labor: Real housewife and upwardly mobile actress NeNe Leakes. Nobody works harder for a buck.

Secretary of Health and Human Services. Melissa Rivers. After the tragic loss of her mother who just happens to have been one of the Don’s best friends in the world, she deserves the job. Look out, here she comes.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Miss U.S.A. Kenya Moore. Nobody who’s ever been on the show knows more about the ghetto than she does.

Secretary of Transportation: Michael Andretti. He’ll get our highways moving again.

Secretary of Energy: Penn Jillette. The man is a magician, for chrissakes.

Secretary of Education: Geraldo Rivera. The man is so smart. People should be more like him.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs. Trace Adkins, winner of season 13. He’s raised a lot of money to help veterans.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Stephen Baldwin. Nobody is better suited to keep us safe from crazy terrorists.

Chief of Staff: Piers Morgan, winner of the first Celebrity Apprentice and frequent occupant of the Trump side of the board room table ever since.

Press Secretary. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth (like the woman needs a last name) will get the job because Trump hates reporters.

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