Hasten My Retirement

Successful blogging tip number one: Never add blog posts on weekends. People read blogs on weekdays during working hours. Posting between two o’clock Friday afternoon and nine o’clock Monday morning is the blogging equivalent of masturbating–a solitary act that nobody will know about. Unless, of course, it goes viral on the internet.

Advice for becoming a successful blogger is readily available. Now and then, I read the suggestions. The bottom line is that to be successful, one needs to go beyond merely writing interesting posts. It’s all about the marketing. I’m supposed to spend hours every day reading and commenting on blogs like mine in a shameless attempt to lure readers here. Perhaps it works. I just don’t have that kind of time. The hard part is definitely getting people to read the blog. Getting readers to come back is even harder.

My blog statistics are interesting to me. And while I’d love to have a hugely successful blog and continue to hope that maybe one day, a post here on My Glass House will go viral, I’m content with things as they are. The truth is, beyond having new posts appear on Twitter and Facebook, I don’t do any of the stuff I’m supposed to do to attract new readers.

Even so, I’m blessed with a small but growing group of loyal followers and a larger group of occasional visitors. My intentions, frankly, are not honorable. My evil plan is to lure you in with witty essays here, then shamelessly exploit you with pleas to buy my books. That’s right. I plan to get rich on you.

It’s still a goal. One day I’ll have books you can buy. I hope to have a lot of them because I really like to spend money and my anemic retirement portfolio could use the help.

Should this post be the one to go viral, I’m also happy to accept your one dollar donation. Spread the word. It could happen! That school bus monitor who got bullied by the middle schooler (and not that bad if you ask me) had received nearly a million dollars last time I heard.

Don’t make me sit on school buses with a camera. I’d probably just get arrested. Share this post with all your Facebook friends, and encourage them to share it with all of theirs. Tweet, tumble, pin, and bing it. I spent my inheritance on gas for the trip back to Kentucky for the funeral. The only way I’m going to get rich is to either win the lottery or have a post like this one go viral.

I’m not great at math, but I know enough to know my chances of going viral are much better than my chances of winning the lottery. That means it’s up to you. All of you. If I make it to a million dollars, we’ll have a big ole party, right here in…

My Glass House

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