A Harsh Mistress…

Me and my Healthy Lifestyle have barely been on speaking terms. The disagreement started in the weeks leading up to our annual derby party. Since then, things between us have only gotten worse.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my Healthy Lifestyle. But sometimes the bitch flat wears me out. Seriously. A fellow needs to just sit around on his ass eating pizza and drinking beer now and then. It’s a fact of nature. Science.

During our vacation at the beach last month, me and Healthy Lifestyle didn’t have a thing to do with each other. In fact, I didn’t come anywhere close the entire time we were gone. It was nice to get away.

Since then, things have really gone down hill. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. I figured when we got back from our vacation, me and H.L. would pick up where we left off. But no, something has changed between us. I’m not sure I can go back to the way things were. I have feelings, too.

I expected so much more. When we met, I thought we’d be happy together. If I just stuck with you, all my dreams were supposed to come true.

Lying whore.

A year has passed. I’ve spent a small fortune on Healthy Lifestyle and devoted hours and hours that I’ll never get back to making her happy. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing but the spare tire I had when we met.

It’s just not worth it. I know that no matter how much I do, it will never be enough. I’ll never look like William Levy, Hugh Jackman, or Ronnie from The Jersey Shore. More like Cameron Mitchell from Modern Family–in Zumba clothes ’cause that’s how I roll here in…

My Glass House

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4 responses to “A Harsh Mistress…”

  1. Michael, don’t get discouraged. Even though your posts about Zumba make me feel like a slug, I’m hoping they will one day motivate me! {{{HUGS}}}

  2. YOU are hilarious! And I’m laughing AFTER having had a root-canal-from-Hell today for lunch!